| Friday, April 24, 2009 |
| Questions |
What is life but to acknowledge what is above?
What is life if it couldn't be taken away?
What is heartache but to remind us that we are alone?
What is an end without a beginning?
What is purpose if it couldn't change?
What are questions if they cannot be answered?
What is faith without these questions? |
posted by David @ 2:22 PM  |
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| Tuesday, April 14, 2009 |
| Single |
Reflecting over the past year and a half of my life I spent in a joyful and increasingly unhealthy relationship/engagement, I can honestly say that I am relieved that Caitlin and I are completely over. Don't get me wrong, getting the veil of truth lifted was very painful--but it is nice to know for sure that she wasn't the one for me. We had a nasty habit of going on breaks for vague reasons which resulted in her crawling back to her ex. The trust and forgiveness I had to summon to believe that her constant text messages would only lead to friendship with this fellow leaves me now laughing in triumph in knowing that I had a right to be suspicious. God I was so ignorant, and deserve so much different (and ultimately better).
I'm glad that these realizations were made before I married the girl. I wish her the best of luck in growing up, learning, and finding the one that is right for her. I am not angry or resentful towards Caitlin. I am not angry, jealous, or resentful towards her ex for seizing an opportunity given to him, but treat her badly and I'll have a reason to be resentful. So, all those fluffy, humble, and loving responses said.
Here's to the course of life I was destined to take, and
Here's to the exciting life I'm now able to pursue.
And I am never turning back. |
| posted by David @ 2:20 PM |
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| Wednesday, October 22, 2008 |
| Yo-Yo Existentialism |
Things work out the way they are supposed to work out. The problem comes when we assume that things will eventually work out the way we want them to. Cut that shit out, it's degrading--seriously.
Our design is to work out today with ourselves, not to work out the finished peice tommorow. Things happen, sometimes beyond our control. Don't look back, or I should say; don't run backwards. Sometimes things do happen too late--don't feel bad, try again next time--in a different context, a different person, a different place, a different game. Don't internalize your failures to the point it makes you a sore loser. You are not a loser, and if you feel like one--you were playing a game. If you have regret for a past relationship, it is your ego--not a broken heart. Most of what we call love in this life is codependency.
People in this world are so scared to be alone. Give them three days with no cell phone, no friends, no car or place to go and they start to freak out. --no one loves me, oh my god--Whatever happened to the strength of self-suffiency, not to be a hermit, but to say, hey--I'm alone, alright then--me time, woohoo!
Do you really know what to do without anyone else? Will you be the dog left alone, chewing the furniture?
Why do people seem to think they can 'win' a past relationship back? Because they think in terms of winning, and chances are they thought they 'won' all the other times their broken relationships or plans yo-yo'd back to them. Shit, well, the yo-yo didn't come back this time. Go get a different yo-yo, or better yet, Stop yo-yo'ing. Hold it in your hands, or drop it. Sometimes it doesn't come back. It's part of this life. Life only moves foward, but eventually
Everyone in this world dies alone. |
| posted by David @ 7:24 AM |
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| Monday, October 13, 2008 |
| I need stupid. |
| Holy shit, what happened? Empirical nonsense in the theories of learning and after a few tit licks of horse humping and my brains are ready to explode and my GOD it is time to be stupid! AAAAAAAAA I am tired of school. I want it out, all that needless information, all those sanctioned stale fragments of conditioned stimuli and irrelevent responses--be gone! Erase now, be suppressed until midterms. LEAVE! |
| posted by David @ 1:26 PM |
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| Wednesday, September 24, 2008 |
| Nightmare |
I had this extremely detailed dream of my ex-girlfriend, Ashley. I am broke up with Caitlin in the dream starting a relationship with Ashley again. I have this feeling like I don't want to repeat the same mistakes I made the last time with her. We are on the bathroom and she is sitting on the toilet, almost like a throne and I am kneeling down below her. It's almost like all the irritations and frustrations are still there but I keep it all locked up, I lift my hands up and touch her face, but it felt like I was lying when I did it. I had absolutely no feelings, only this dreaming sense of expectations. I could have no other, I deserved no other, but I didn't want it. I start talking about all the things I did when I was away, like losing all the weight. Ashley says, yeah, but you've gained some of it back. Her same frank bitterness. I felt a longing for Caitlin--but I had lost her (in the dream) and now I was left to deal with Ashley.
I woke up next to Caitlin guilty and confused, wearing this ring on my left hand. I've been depressed all day, but the dream makes sense. It is telling me not to make the same mistakes I did with Ashley, it showed me how grateful I am to have Caitlin and have real emotions for her. |
| posted by David @ 11:03 AM |
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| Friday, September 5, 2008 |
| Alone |
Caitlin and I are "taking a break". I am confused, as was already severely depressed. I suppose I am the cause. I've been hurt before and I know the steps I need to take to naturally purge myself to move forward. I just wonder why God puts me through everything. I feel numb. I am tired of analyzing. I want Caitlin and I to work, but expecting the best outcome is foolish. I will just move on these couple of weeks. No analyzing. I will miss her. What happens, happens. I will live, I will be happy again.
Just two weeks to deal with myself alone. I need to patch up all the things in myself that I've been neglecting instead of making it messier by putting a bullet in my head. That's would be retarded, but the thought is compelling and entertaining. I just can't afford it, got too many debts to take care of, and a full, cold and realistic, yet delusionally happy life to get through. |
| posted by David @ 10:11 AM |
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| Wednesday, September 3, 2008 |
| Rain |
Afternoon shower, delight; week long downpour, irritating. I wish I had an umbrella as far as bare necessities require, but I walk in the Gustav rain. Why can't they name these hurricanes southern names like, "Billy Bob".
Anyway, I get tired of abstractions when they get on my nerves. I could abstract the irritating rain, but what is the delight in that?
Attitude, it is all in your attitude--but any normal human being is affected by environmental challenges. A positive attitude is definitely helpful for the things that you can change, but for the impending shit-bombs of life a positive attitude is only chivalrous, possible, alleviating at best. I guess I'm just not the band aid type, and also too cheap (poor) to invest in an umbrella. I have one somewhere. So I say, "Here it comes, holy crap, I can't do anything about it." I can say that the rain will pass, it will. I was on a roll, though, things were working according to my energy. This, this just throws me out of line. Fuck you, Billy Bob.
Fuck you.
That's all I can do.
Damn. |
| posted by David @ 1:07 PM |
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